Random Things Happen, er Randomly
by Margaret Price
Summary: Just as the title says. No fourth wall here. Lots of silliness, and Adric bashing, apparently. Mostly the 5th Doctor, but that could changes as this goes on.
1. A Close Proximity To A Beginning

AUTHOR'S NOTE: As you'll see from the text, I'm doing another round robin. But since the chapters do not have to be connected in any way, I'll be posting only the ones that I have writing. We seen to be in the mood to kill off / torture Adric.

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WE BEGIN AT A CLOSE PROXIMITY OF A BEGINNING

The Fifth Doctor was sitting in the corner of the console room reading what appeared to be a manuscript. He looked up, pulling off his half-frame glasses. "That made no sense whatsoever," he said to no one in particular, which was a good thing, because he was alone in the room.

"It isn't supposed to make sense," a female voice replied from the open exterior doorway.

"Is that supposed to justify this?" the Doctor asked accusingly, holding up the enormous volume.

"Not really. It's just meant to introduce a new round robin."

Adric came bursting through the inner door. "Round robin! Can I be in it?"

The author standing in the TARDIS doorway gave the boy an evil half smile. "I don't think we could do it without you."

"Now, be nice to the boy," the Doctor admonished. "He's had a rough go of it lately."

"Doctor, this is a parody."

"Oh, very well," the Doctor sighed, "get on with it then."

"Sorry, this is just the introductory chapter," the author replied.

"Hang on a minute," Tegan said as she entered the console room. "Is this going to be in text format from here on in? that other one was in script format."

The author shrugged. "It depends on the contributors."

"And what about the language?" the Doctor inquired.

"The rating is PG-13. Judging by the last one, there'll be some swearing."

"What about sex?" Adric asked.

The author gave him a sideways look. "With you? No, thank you."

Tegan laughed and Adric stuck his tongue out at her.

"I suppose we have to go along with this," the Doctor said as he got to his feet.

"I don't think you've much choice," the author replied.

"FIne. Then the first thing we do is chuck this." The Doctor tossed the manuscript towards the wall where it was immediately sucked into a black hole.

"I think I have something like that in my dryer," the author observed. "Only it eats socks instead of manuscripts."

"Maybe this one eats authors," Adric said petulantly.

"You're supposed to be nice, remember?"

"I thought only the other authors were supposed to be nice?"

"Oh, Adric, do stop whining," Tegan moaned.

"Now look what you've done!" the Doctor said accusingly as his companions started to argue.

"Oh, let's leave them to it," the author said amiably. "Come on, I'll buy you dinner. We can watch the randomness unfold from the comfort of a five star restaurant with a wi-fi connection."

The Doctor considered, looked at his arguing companions and nodded. "You're on!" He crossed to the exterior doors, offering the author his arm. They stepped from the TARDIS and into randomness.


	2. Dinner In Paris

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The only Paris I've ever been to is in New York. This takes place in the other one.

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DINNER IN PARIS

The Fifth Doctor and Margaret, the author, are enjoying a ridiculously expensive meal in Paris. They are at a table near a window, naturally, and are watching people pass by outside.

"I though random things were supposed to happen," the Doctor observed as he took a sip of his champagne.

"Give it time," Margaret replied. "My muse is busy with another project. Sometimes it takes a bit of prodding to change gears."

"I see."

Suddenly the sky outside is awash with what appeared to be an enormous firework display.

"That isn't random," the Doctor snorted.

A that moment, a marching band tromped through the building, followed by several parade floats left over from Mardi Gras. A large crowd was clamoring for cheep bead necklaces, and several women flashed their breast.

The Doctor turned an inquiring gaze to his dining partner.

"Not even in fiction," she stated flatly.

"Pity."

Margaret's eyebrows went up. "Hey, I was trying to keep you in character."

"Why must I miss out on the fun?"

Margaret considered. "Point taken. But you do have quite the following on this site, you know? I didn't want to upset your loyal fans."

"Really? It was my understanding that I'm considered a bit wet."

"Not by me. You were in my first fan fic, remember."

"Could we dispense with the marching bands? They're rather distracting," the Doctor said in an annoyed tone. "Its very hard to accept praise graciously when one has to shout to be heard."

Margaret waved her magic laptop and the restaurant returned to its original, serene state. "This won't last long."

"Could you hold off on the randomness until _after_ dessert arrives?"

"Its here already.

The Doctor looked down to see this was indeed the case. "I wish you wouldn't do that," he said irritably.

"Gimme a break. I don't get to actively participate in these very often."

"Isn't that what you do when you write?"

"Heck, no. You lot take over the story every chance you get," Margaret snorted.

The Doctor grinned impishly. "I didn't think you'd noticed."

"It's hard to miss." Margaret looked up. "And speaking of taking over the story..."

Tegan and Nyssa arrived, trialed by Turlough and Adric.

"What kept you?" the Doctor inquired happily. "You've missed dinner, a fireworks display, and a parade."

Nyssa and Tegan held up fistsful of Mardi Gras beads. "No, didn't," they said in unison.

"I got it all on tape," Turlough injected, holding up a tiny recording device. "I'm going to produce a video. 'Companions Gone Wild.' I'll make a fortune."

"Oh, the web-cam you wanted is all set up in your room," Margaret informed.

"What web-cam?" the Doctor demanded.

"Oh, Doctor, do keep up."

Margaret pointed out the window. "Turlough, I think you might want to check out what's happening down there. I see a few other companions doing…things."

Everyone looked out the window.

"Hang on a minute," the Doctor said in surprise, rising to his feet. "That's not Paris out there. That's–"


	3. Definitely Not Kansas

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Apologies to L. Frank Baum

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DEFINITELY NOT KANSAS

At that moment a young girl walked through the room. Her hair was in braids and she was wearing a blue gingham dress and carrying a basket. A small dog was trailing behind her. She looked at Tegan and Nyssa having at it on one table, and Turlough training his web-cam at the pair from another.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Dorothy remarked.

"No, this is New York City, apparently," Adric informed.

"Adric," the Doctor said sharply, "don't annoy her. She's on her way to Oz."

"What?"

"Don't you know anything?" Turlough moaned. "That's Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."

"Oh." Adric brightened, turning to Dorothy. "May I come with you?"

Dorothy considered. "Can you help me get back to Kansas?"

"I don't even know where that is."

"God, you're fucking useless," Dorothy replied, giving him a kick in the shins. She stormed from the room. "Come on, Toto."

Adric gave a yelp, grabbing his ankle. Toto growled and bit his other ankle before following after Dorothy. "Geez, I can't get a break to save my life," he moaned.

"Now there's irony for you," Margaret remarked as she reappeared.

"Where did you vanish to?" the Doctor demanded.

"Into the randomness. Do try to keep up."

"That's easy for you to say." The Doctor stiffened visibly. "We've changed locations again, haven't we?"

Margaret grinned. "See, you are catching on."

"Now where are we?"

"I haven't decided yet. I ran into one of the other authors while I was away."

The Doctor gave the woman a suspicious look. "Oh…?"

"She's a really big fan of yours. Come on, I'll introduce you."

"This isn't going to turn into one of your puns, is it?" the Doctor inquired.

Margaret's eyebrows went up. "I thought you liked puns."

"Yes, but when you say my biggest fan, I imagine being taking to a large mechanical object with rotating blades. After all, you did just have a young girl who was blow away by a tornado wander thorough here."

"Ha! I didn't even make the connection."

"Of course you didn't."

"My muse has a tendency to get ahead of me sometimes," Margaret confessed. "Anyway, this is a real person. I did a short short with you and Turlough about her, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, I remember that one," Turlough called over his shoulder. "Something about Warinbabylon."

The Doctor gave Margaret a disapproving look. "That is a shameless plug. And what did I say about puns?"

"That was more a play on words. Anyway, she wants to meet you. What do you say?"

"Will it get me out of the randomness for a bit?"

"No telling. But I'm not really into Fem Slash, so we'll leave this lot to have it."

The Doctor drew a deep breath. "Very well, lead on…"

Margaret turned and held out a hand. A door appeared out of nowhere. She opened it, calling into the void beyond. "Babs! You own me a twenty."

"What! Now see here--" The Doctor's protested were cut off as he was pulled into the void, the door slamming behind him.

Adric stood staring as the door vanished from sight. "Um, guys..." he said, turning to the others. "I think the Doctor just got himself kidnapped by a couple of fan!girls."

"Excuse me," came Margaret's voice from above. "I'm not some newbie fan!girl. I've been an avid fan for more than 20 years." There was an audible pop as she cut the mike.

"What does that mean?" Adric wanted to know.

Turlough sighed. "The Doctor's either in trouble, or one very lucky bastard."

"Well, he is the hero."

Tegan, Nyssa and Turlough all glared at the boy. "Shut up, Adric!" they all said in unison.


	4. Barcelona

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Dear Lord, please forgive this complete rape of established canon. Amen.

Chicket is a friend of this author.

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BARCELONA

After a brief stop in Madrid, in which a parade of Nimon worshipers passed by, the building somehow uprooted itself again, landing in Barcelona during the running of the bulls. Before anyone could decide whether or not they should warn Adric, who had gone outside to watch the parade, he was run over by the men involved in the lunacy of running in front of a herd stampeding bulls. This was followed up by his being run over by the bulls themselves.

"Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark."

Tegan and Nyssa looked up to see a man standing over them.

"Ladies," Captain Jack said amiably, "mind if I join you?"

"Hey!" Turlough objected. "That's not fair."

Captain Jack looked up and gave the boy an appraising look. "Hmmm, I don't think I've ever had a foursome before," he remarked. "Come on, Red, put that thing on auto execute and let's have a party."

Turlough's eyes grew wide as saucers as Jack started to strip. "Holy shit!"

"Oooo," Tegan cooed. "And I thought all the bulls were outside."

"We may crash your friend's server," Captain Jack grinned.

"You're on!"

"Jack!" the Tenth Doctor admonished from a random doorway. "What are you–No, never mind I can see what you're doing. Why are you doing it here?"

"You're the one who wanted to go to Barcelona," Jack replied.

"That was the planet, not the city."

"I decided to come to the city."

Tegan and Nyssa started to giggle. "I think you're going to come in the restaurant too."

The Doctor groaned, rolling his eyes. "Enough with the puns, already!"

A hand reached out of the wall, grabbed the Doctor by the collar and pulled him into the void. "Hey! Chicklet!" Margaret called out. "I gotta present for you!"

A battered and bloodied Adric appeared in the doorway at that moment. "Shit! I miss everything."

"Shut up and run the web-cam," Turlough ordered as he climbed onto the table with the others.

"No."

"If you're gonna sulk, you've gotta leave. And then you won't be able to watch," Jack said and he tried to decide who to bang first.

Adric's eyes widened. Obviously this hadn't occurred to him. He may have been a math genius, but he was as dumb as a brick in other areas.

Adric started across the room, only to be swallowed by a black hole.

"Hey, author, what took you so long?" Jack called out. "We're trying to crash Turlough's server."

"Shut up and start humping like weasels, will you?" the author called back.

"You're on!"


	5. When In Rome That's Italy, Not New York

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chicklet is a friend of this author and very big fan on the Tenth Doctor.

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WHEN IN ROME. THAT'S ITALY, NOT NEW YORK

The Fifth Doctor, Margaret and Babs were drinking their after dinner drinks on a patio in Rome. A string quartet played softly in a far corner.

The "Mission: Impossible" theme suddenly burst forth and Margaret jumped. "Sorry, that's my cell phone," she said apologetically. After a brief conversation, she rose from the table. "Sorry. That was my muse. Apparently, she wants to concentrate on the crossover I have half done."

"That's the one you've got me playing a minor role in, isn't it?" the Doctor said petulantly.

"Only part way through. We've only just started the big ending," Margaret replied.

The Doctor snorted, folding his arms. "I'm supposed to be the hero."

"Don't worry, you'll get to save the universe--again. You always do."

The Doctor turned away. "Not good enough."

Margaret threw a helpless look over to Babs, who shrugged. "He gets like this with me, too."

"Fine," Margaret replied. "I'll just have to concentrate on the other fandom's characters."

"Fine," the Doctor replied.

"But don't come crying to me that you didn't get a big enough part after it's published."

The Doctor looked up sharply. "Published?"

"I'm going to submit it for publication in a fanzine. Didn't I tell you?"

The Doctor's eyes narrowed. "No, you didn't."

Margaret grinned. "Ah. Well, you weren't in the other two I submitted. Must've slipped my mind," she said tauntingly as she headed for the door.

The Time Lord practically jumped to his feet. "Now just a moment, I want to know more about this."

"I thought you weren't interested..."

The Doctor gave Babs a helpless look. "Doesn't she realize an audience unfamilar with the series has be to handled differently than the established fanbase?"

Babs broke into a broad smile. "You'd better make sure she gets it right, then."

The Doctor nodded, dashing to the door.

Babs sat back, awaiting further randomness. Unfortunately, it came in the form of a black hole appearing overhead, out of which Adric was spewed.

"Oh, damn," Babs moaned. "There's goes a lovely evening."

A large bull suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "No problem, Ma'am. I'll take care of this rabble."

Adric let out a terrified scream. "It followed me!"

"No, no," Babs replied, waving a hand in the air. "That not one of the bulls from Barcelona. That's a Nimon."

The Nimon slung Adric over his shoulder and strode off.

Babs drew a deep breath and leaned back in her seat.

"Excuse me, may we join you?"

Babs turned to see the Tenth Doctor and Chicklet.

"We were supposed to meet Margaret," the Doctor explained.

"Oh, she got called away by her muse," Babs replied. She held out a hand. "Please, join me. They're supposed to be hooking up an IMAX screen in a few minutes."

The Doctor's eyebrows went up. "Really?" He pulled out a chair for Chicklet before taking a seat himself. A waiter brought a fresh pot of coffee just as the nine story high movie screen came to life.

"Does this have surround sound?" Chicklet asked.

"Do you want it to?" Babs replied.

"Um, I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure out how they got into that position."

The Doctor cocked his head to one side. "I never realized Nyssa was so…limber."

"How long d'you think it'll take before they overload Turlough's server?" Babs asked conversationally.

"The feed is routed through the TARDIS. It can't be overloaded."

"That's not very random," Chicklet observed.

The Doctor gave a wry smile. "Just wait and see what happens when the randomizer cuts in."

"Why?"

The giant screen flashed. Suddenly Tegan vanished to be replaced by Romana I. Jack let out an alarmed cry just before he vanished to be replaced by Ian Chesterton.

"What the hell," was all Turlough got out before he disappeared and was replaced by Jamie McCrimmon.

"Hello, lassie," Jamie grinned.

Nyssa opened her mouth to scream but vanished before she could make a sound. She was replaced by Leela.

As chaos erupted on the screen, Babs turned to the Doctor. "So…where did the others go?"

The Doctor replied, "You do not want to know."


	6. Shuffle Off To Buffalo

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Margaret: Incase it isn't obvious, Jim is my son and partner in fiction crime.  
Jim: And this is definitely a crime against fiction.

Apologies to J.K.Rowling.

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SHUFFLE OFF TO BUFFALO

"Have you ever noticed," Jim remarked, "that there's always a Guy-Who-Never-Dies, a Guy-Who-Sometimes-Dies, and a Guy-Who-Always-Dies?"

"Yes, actually," Margaret replied. "I believe I'm the one who pointed that out to you. What's your point?"

"Turn it on its head."

Margaret blinked. "What? That would mean Adric doesn't die."

"Oh. Forget it then."

"You're usually a better help to me in this kind of nonsense."

"I'm watching the end of the third Harry Potter movie."

"Not again."

Adric appeared out of nowhere. "Wow, close call. I almost got splattered by Paris Hilton."

"Where the hell did you come from?" Jim asked.

"They're taking over the story again," Margaret moaned, turning accusingly to the Doctor.

"Don't look at me," the Doctor said. "I didn't conjure him up"

Adric watched the television a few minutes. "That's it!" he exclaimed and climbed up onto the roof.

"Hey!" Jim yelled.

"Go see what he's doing up there," Margaret instructed.

"Okay."

Jim climbed onto the roof. He looked around and then up at the gathering storm clouds. Then he saw Adric at the peek of the house. "Hey, you, get off our roof! We don't have moron insurance!"

Adric pulled out a wand, pointed at the sky and screamed, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Nothing happened.

Adric shook the wand, trying again. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Jim stormed over to Adric. "Expecto a headache, dipshit," he said, giving the boy a smack.

"It worked for Harry Potter," Adric whined.

"Harry Potter is a fictional character, you idiot!"

"So am I!"

"Yes, but people _like_ Harry Potter."

The Fifth Doctor and Margaret were outside by this time. "Adric!" the Doctor called from the ground. "Get down from there."

"He's going to break his neck," Margaret observed.

"You are a bad influence," the Doctor remarked.

Jim grinned evilly. "Here, let me help you down."

"Doctor!" Adric exclaimed. "He's going to throw me off the roof."

"No, I'm not," Jim replied.

"Good."

"I'm going to push you off the roof."

"Aaaa!" Adric screamed, choosing instead to jump off the other side of the roof.

"He shouldn't've done that," Margaret said mildly.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Why?"

"That's where I put the black hole."

"I thought the black hole was in your dryer."

"Just the one that eats socks. There's another one in Jim's stomach."

"Hey, Mom, I'm hungry!" Jim called from the roof.

"See? Told you," Margaret smiled.

"Pizza and wings for dinner?"

"Didn't we have dinner twice already?" the Doctor asked.

"Alternate universes." Margaret turned on her heel. "Now, about that crossover..."

Jim was already in the house and called, "Mom, we're picking up Turlough's web-cam! You won't believe who's on now."

"Oh, dear," the Doctor groaned. "This _can't_ be good."


	7. Meanwhile, All The Doctors Are In London

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just a bit of randomness from each Doctor. Have you ever wondered why the Doctor doesn't ever meet himself in London? He's there all the time.

With the exception of Chicklet, everyone named is a Who character from one genre or another.

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MEANWHILE, ALL THE DOCTORS ARE IN LONDON

FIRST DOCTOR: Susan, your grades are slipping.

SUSAN: Oh, Grandfather, you're such a square.

FIRST DOCTOR: I knew I shouldn't've come to Earth in the 1960's

**OoOoOoO**

SECOND DOCTOR: Now, where's my recorder?

BRIGADIER: In the rubbish, hopefully.

SECOND DOCTOR: I heard that!

**OoOoOoO**

THIRD DOCTOR: Let me explain this very, very simply.

LIZ: I didn't think you knew how to do anything very, very simply.

THIRD DOCTOR: Shut up and make some tea.

LIZ: Sod off.

**OoOoOoO**

FOURTH DOCTOR: Come along, Sarah.

SARAH: No, you come along.

FOURTH DOCTOR: What?

SARAH: Why do I always have to do what you say?

FOURTH DOCTOR: Sarah…

SARAH: I got a series pilot, my own Audio series, and I'm guesting on the new show. So sod off.

FOURTH DOCTOR: **O.O**

**OoOoOoO**

FIFTH DOCTOR: Oh, please, haven't I been in this enough?

AUTHOR: You're right. You get a free pass on this one.

**OoOoOoO**

SIXTH DOCTOR: Don't you dare pick on me!

FROBISHER: You're getting too sensitive in your old age, Doc.

SIXTH DOCTOR: I am not old!

FROBISHER: Yeah, right. And I'm not a penguin.

SIXTH DOCTOR: You're _not_ a penguin!

FROBISHER: Oh, sure. Split hairs.

**OoOoOoO**

SEVENTH DOCTOR: Ace, throw some Nitro-9 and distract them.

ACE: I'm with Sarah. Why do I have to do what you tell me?

BENNY: Quite right, Ace. Let's get a drink.

IRIS: Now your talking, Lovey!

**OoOoOoO**

EIGHTH DOCTOR: Go ahead, choose something. I probably won't remember it anyway.

**OoOoOoO**

NINTH DOCTOR: Fantastic.

ROSE: Must you always stand around grinning like a fool?

JACK: Let me take you away from all this.

ROSE: You're on.

**OoOoOoO**

TENTH DOCTOR: More coffee, Chicklet?

CHICKLET: When did we get to London?


	8. Outside Microsoft Headquarters, Seattle

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The Doctor is such a name dropper.

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OUTSIDE MICROSOFT HEADQUARTERS, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

The Fourth Doctor was humming to himself as he stood looking down at the console. "I told you, Bill," he muttered to himself. "You needed more work before you released that version of Windows. But would you listen…?"

Suddenly the exterior doors swung open and Adric staggered in.

"Made it!" the boy exclaimed.

The Doctor looked up sharply. "Adric! What do you think you're playing at?" he demanded. Then he frowned. "And yhy are you covered in mud?"

"I got trampled," Adric replied as he staggered further into the room.

"Trampled?"

"In the running of the bulls in Barcelona."

"Adric, the running of the bulls takes place in Pamplona, Spain, not Barcelona," the Doctor corrected.

"What!"

There was an explosion of giggles and titters outside the TARDIS.

Adric turned and stormed out the doors. "You said we were in Barcelona!"

A moment later, Sarah Jane Smith came through the inner door. "Did I just hear someone, Doctor?"

The Doctor pulled the door lever and then hit the dematerialization switch. "Oh, just someone I won't meet for several seasons yet. Nothing to concern yourself with."

"Oh, good," Sarah replied. "Because the swimming pool has just turned to Jell-O, the lawn in the meadow room has turned carnivorous, there's nothing but dog biscuits in the larder, and we're out of tea."

The Doctor groaned, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "Alright. I don't suppose it could get much worse, could it."

"That depends…"

The Doctor's eyes narrowed. "On what?"

"I'm also two weeks late."


	9. In A Valley, Near A River

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This does not take place anywhere near that town.

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IN A VALLEY, NEAR A RIVER, THERE'S A TOWN CALLED PERFECT

"You've been staring at that screen for nearly ten minutes," the Fifth Doctor said mildly.

Margaret gave him a dark look. "I hate writer's block," she growled. "I'm trying to get this crossover done, but these parody chapters keep getting in the way."

"That's hardly my fault."

"I didn't say it was your fault. But this is supposed to be a serious story. How can I concentrate on serious with all this random…stuff happening?"

The Doctor frowned. "I've no idea. Perhaps you might take things up with your muse."

"I can't," Margaret moaned. "She went to the movies with Jim."

"Well, that's inconvenient!"

"Yeah, I'd wouldn't've minded going," a male voice from the door rejoined.

Margaret looked up, her eyes growing wide. "Jason! You're not supposed to be here! You're my original character!"

"You didn't say OC's were forbidden in your rules," Jason replied.

"I know, but I kind of thought you'd understand–"

"Did you or did you not," Jason interrupted, "say at one time that I am in every one of your mulit-chapter Doctor Who fics?"

"Um…well…"

"And is this, or is this not, a multi-chapter Doctor Who fic?"

"It's a round robin!" Margaret protested.

"But you started it, didn't you?" Jason shot back.

"He has a point," the Doctor injected.

"Shut up," Margaret snapped. "You're no help at all."

"Ha! Ten points for the OC!" Jason gave the Doctor a high five.

"Okay, fine. You've made an appearance. Now shoo!" Margaret waved her hand hoping this would convince the interloping Alterran to go back to the chapter from which he had escaped. Unfortunately, he remained obstinately where he was.

"I have a complaint," Jason said firmly.

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Now what?

"This crossover chapter you're doing now…"

"Yes…"

"I get the bad end of things again. _Again!"_

"You're a supporting character," the Doctor pointed out. "I can't rescue you if you don't get into trouble."

"I know," Jason replied. "But I mean, really. I've been kidnapped, beaten up, left for dead, shot–I don't know how many times…"

"Do you want me to count?" Margaret asked.

"No!"

"Just trying to be helpful."

"And I don't get to kill anybody!" Jason protested.

Margaret raised an eyebrow. "You're not allowed to kill. It's in your character profile."

"I want it changed."

"What?"

"You heard me. I want my profile changed."

The Doctor sat back in his chair, a smug expression on his face. "Shall I act as negotiator here? I've centuries of experience."

Margaret groaned. "Great. My muse leaves for just a few hours and you two take over the story again!"

"I'm not taking over the story," the Doctor protested. "Jason is! He's always trying to take over the story."

"Well, just once it would be nice to be able to save the day!" Jason said angrily.

"You're not the hero," the Doctor shot back.

"What if I want to be?"

"You can't," Margaret injected firmly. "That would make you a Mary Sue."

"No, it wouldn't!"

"Look, I already let you have sex with Leela, isn't that enough?" Margaret pointed out.

The Doctor's eyebrows went up. "You had sex with Leela!"

Jason gave Margaret a dark look. "You promised not to tell him that."

"No, I promised not to have him walk in on you," Margaret replied.

"You also promised more than one story."

"Ah. I got stuck on the second one."

"That's what you always say," Jason moaned.

"People want to read about the Doctor saving the universe, not you. And as much as I love you, Jason, dear. You are _still_ just a supporting character."

Jason hung his head, clearly dejected. "That's not fair."

Margaret and the Doctor exchanged glances. The Doctor rose to his feet, putting an arm around Jason's shoulder. "Tell you what," he said brightly, "let's you and I go play "Jedi Academy" on Jim's computer network."

Jason gave an unenthusiastic shrug.

"I'll even let you win."

Jason looked up sharply, his eyes sparkling. _"Let_ me win? Ha! I'm gonna kick your ass." He turned and vanished through the door.

The Doctor gave a knowing smile. "You can try," he replied as he followed after him.

Margaret shook her head, drawing a deep breath. "Maybe I should concentrate on the other characters…"

Suddenly Jason called out from the next room. "Hey, Marg? Did you know there's an army of Daleks on your front lawn?"

"What? No, there can't be!" Margaret called back from her office. "I don't write Dalek stories."

"Shall I tell them that?"

"Yes. I don't think my neighbors will appreciate being vaporized by Daleks. And they'll kill the grass."

Jason went outside, shooing the Dalek army into the black hole in the back yard. "Okay, they've gone," he announced as he came back inside.

"Hey, you got to save the day," Margaret pointed out.

"Oh, shut up!"


	10. And In Atlanta, Georgia

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Jim has always wanted to do stand up.

Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy

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AND IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA

You Just Might Be A Whovian if…

If you hear "Doesn't she/he look tired to you?" and you burst out laughing…

If you've ever mistaken a silver trashcan with gold bumps for a Dalek…

If you know what BEM means and can use it in a sentence…

If you use Doctor Who quotes in the subject lines of your e-mails… (Guilty!)

If you've ever been asked what the doctor said, and you ask which one…

If you've ever tried to build your own TARDIS…

If you own a replica of the TARDIS… (Guilty!)

If you dress as one of the canon characters on regular basis…

If you count down the minutes until the next program is on…

If everyone you know is aware of the show, despite having never seen it…

If you can correctly pronounce Raxacoricofallapatorius…

If you know that Gallifrey is not in Ireland…

If you can correctly name all the actors who played companions on the show…

If you know why the Fifth Doctor always wore celery on his lapel…

If you can name the episode he explained that in…

If you can name an episode in which there were no guest stars…

If you can name an episode in which the Doctor did not have a companion…

If you own at least one scarf more that 10 feet long… (Guilty!)

If you've ever made a scarf more than 10 feet long… (Guilty!)

If you've ever bought Jelly Babies just to add them to you DW collection…

If you've ever attempted to locate the formula for Nitro-9 on the internet…

If you've ever written a Doctor Who fan fiction…

If you've ever had a conversation over which Doctor is/was the best…

If you laugh every time you hear someone say, "Excellent,"…

If you've created your own Doctor Who desktop theme complete with .wav files…

If you can name all the actors who've played the Doctor in order…

If you think "Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow," makes perfect sense…

If you know what a Gumblejack is…

If you've ever watched X-Files and wondered why the Doctor doesn't show up to set them straight…

**AND**

If you understood all of these jokes, then you are definitely a Whovian.

- - - -

Jim took a bow and returned to his table amid thunderous applause. What a great audience for his first open mike night.

"Not bad," the Fourth Doctor said approvingly. "But isn't there supposed to be at least on canon character in these submissions?"

"What do you think you are?"

"Bugger."


	11. What Happens In Vegas

AUTHOR'S NOTE: All places and events mentioned actually exist and have been seen or visited by this author.

**

* * *

**

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS…

Tegan and Nyssa awoke in their room in the TARDIS with a hangover the size of the Crab Nebula.

"Where are we?" Tegan moaned.

"You're in your own room in the TARDIS," Turlough replied from the door. "According to the Doctor, we're somewhere off the Strip."

Tegan moaned and sat up, a hand to her head. "Please don't shout, Turlough."

"I'm not shouting, you're hungover."

"Fine."

"I hope you two are pleased with yourselves," Turlough said sulkily.

Nyssa did not even attempt to sit up. "Why should we be please with ourselves?"

"You went off and got married without me."

"We did?" Tegan and Nyssa replied.

"Yes, you did," came the Fifth Doctor's voice from the door. "Made quite the spectacle of yourselves, too."

"Shit!" Tegan hissed. "I don't remember any of it."

There was a knock at the open inner doorway and the Doctor turned to see the Ninth Doctor and Rose standing in the hallway.

"Are we early?" the Ninth Doctor asked.

"That depends," the Fifth Doctor replied. "What are you here for?"

"The wedding."

"No, you're late, actually. They got married last night," the Fifth Doctor replied.

"No, no," the Ninth Doctor said, waving a hand in the air. "We came for the second one."

Turlough immediately brightened. "Second one?"

"Yea," the Ninth Doctor grinned. "At that other place down by Freemont Street."

"What other place?" the Fifth Doctor frowned.

"The one that always gives Nyssa a fit of the giggles," the Ninth Doctor replied.

"The Wee Kirk O' The Heather?" Nyssa giggled as she slowly sat up.

"Yea, that's the one," the Ninth Doctor replied. He turned to his other self. "See?"

"Yes, yes," the Fifth Doctor replied, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. He turned back to the others. "You two get yourselves cleaned up, will you? At least look a little presentable for Turlough's subscribers."

Tegan and Nyssa replied with various moans and groans as they stumbled out of the room to the bathroom to get cleaned up and change their clothes.

The Fifth Doctor turned to the Ninth. "Aren't there supposed to be three of you?"

Rose gave an amused smile. "We dropped Jack off in 2003. He said he wanted to see 'Siegfried and Roy' before the, er, mauling accident. And something about a Pirate Show before it got replaced by a cheesy Siren thing."

The Fifth Doctor nodded. "Ah, yes. That would be the show at Treasure Island," he informed.

Suddenly Adric entered the console room loaded down with bags. "When did everybody get back?" he asked as he entered, dumping this purchases on the floor.

"Where have you been?" the Fifth Doctor demanded. "And what is all this…stuff?"

Adric looked up, smiling impishly. "I went souvenir hunting."

"You've come to the right place for that," Rose injected.

"Don't encourage him, Rose," the Ninth Doctor said coolly.

Adric pulled out a tee-shirt with "CSI Crime Scene Investigation" printed on the back. "Check this out," he said happily.

"Where did you get all this?" Turlough wanted to know as he pulled out a bag full of playing cards.

"I went to the World's Biggest Souvenir Shop," Adric replied.

"The what?"

"Bonanza, over by the Stratosphere, right?" the Ninth Doctor injected.

The Fifth Doctor scowled. "Didn't you just say not to encourage him?" He turned to Adric. "I take you all over time and space, and you get souvenirs from Las Vegas?"

The Ninth Doctor grinned. He pulled a towel out of a bag that had a Blackjack Table layout printed on it. "Fantastic!"

Adric giggled. "There's one with a Craps Table on it in there, too."

"We're ready," came Tegan's voice from the inner doorway. She was dressed in a tuxedo, Nyssa was beside her in a wedding gown.

Turlough's eyebrows went up. "Now, I didn't expect that!" he laughed.

"I lost the toss," Nyssa replied sulkily.

"Yes, yes," the Fifth Doctor said impatiently. "Let's get on with it."

"What're you in such a hurry for?" Tegan asked.

"It is already past six o'clock in the evening," the Fifth Doctor replied. "And I would rather like to see the Freemont Street Experience this evening."

"I thought you were going last night."

"I was, until you two decided to drink yourselves silly."

The Ninth Doctor held out his arm to Rose. "Come along, Rose. Let me show you Las Vegas."

Rose looked at the others, shrugged and took the proffered arm. "Okay. Why not?" The two then headed out the exterior doors.

Tegan and Nyssa exchanged glances, and started to giggle. Adric rolled his eyes before following after the Ninth Doctor and Rose.

Turlough double checked his web-cam and looked up. "I'm ready," he said, and then herded Tegan and Nyssa from the console room.

The Fifth Doctor drew a deep breath. "Why do I get the feeling I'm going to miss the Freemont Street Experience a second night in a row?" he asked the empty room before following after the others.


End file.
